Natalie Portman’s Boyfriend has Game Pt. 1

It is always fun to hear about the shenanigans that even an actress at the  pinnacle of Hollywood can succumb to. Case in point, Natalie Portman. Her recent(?) lay apparently wrote the following article. Unsurprisingly, Natalie’s personality for being a mega-countess translates to being a mega-cuntess, spewing a never ending stream of shit tests and attempts to rattle the guys frame. But he fires back with some great game.

Yes, for those of you who don’t know, that is (or was?) Natalie’s hookup.

Dont fuck it!

Read the article written by ^that guy and let it settle, cause he spits some good game. Lets look at his game, step by step:

What and Who I Will Do For My Career

by Devendra Banhart

Too much Burgundy, too much cocaine, and too much of her.

Already we are off, and right off the bat he demonstrates propensity for illegal drugs and detachment from her.

“How much do you want to fuck the thirteen year old me?” she said. “Tell me.”

“That’s gross,” I said.

After sleeping with the guy, Natalie busts out with this major shit test, referring to her role in The Professional. Notice his response, which both answers her question (bad) and also criticizes her trashy attitude (good).

“When did you lose your virginity?” she said, dancing on the bed. “Tell me and I’ll tongue your balls.”

“I’m still a virgin,” I said. “I’m going to order some papayas.”

She lobs another nuke shit test, and the guy has a beautiful comeback, considering they just slept together. He cuts the conversation by reobtaining frame with a DHV “going to get papayas”: it is perfect because it is completely out of context.

We were halfway through a MOMA screening of Conrad Clark’s eulogy for Beijing when Natalie whispered in my ear, “l can’t tell any of these characters apart.” This somehow seguewayed into a 40 minute argument about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. By the time she was going down on me in the bathroom closest to the Cy Twombly mural she felt we were closer than ever. Me, I wanted to refute her supposed concessions at Gaza and lecture her parents for hours.

Driving the conversation completely off topic? Leading the frame. Fucking in a risky place? DHV willing to take risks. Refuting concessions (while fucking)? Not focusing on the close. Lecturing parents for hours? Demonstrates the value of his opinion. So far in the article, every line describing this guy is game. And he writes it with Buddhist-like alpha calm.

Also, she has a tiny vagina. So tiny. Sounds great, right? But whenever it starts getting uncomfortable at all, she lets me know. Again, not a problem in itself, but instead of being like, slow down guy, she starts yelling, “Poopsikins! Poopsikins!” The first time she said it I was looking around for the camera. At least she’s a vegan.

Notice how he writes with complete detachment from the subject matter. Describing Natalie Portman’s vagina would get internet losers in a sweaty pant, but he talks about it in the context of her own immaturity. He rounds off the thought with completely a completely unrelated vegan reference, but contextually it seems like her only redeeming feature for him putting up with fucking her. DDDD-HHHH-VVVV.

I used the money on a framed portrait of myself and gave it to her along with the feather of a peregrine falcon.

Giving a framed portrait of himself? Alpha. Giving a peregrine falcon feather? Alpha. Giving two completely unique random gifts? Double fucking alpha. You won’t be finding any roses or “i-luv-us” from this guy.

Yesterday started well enough. “Tao Lin makes me want to write the craziest things,” she screamed in St. Mark’s bookstore. At least we were agreeing on something. “Let’s go see Nathan Englander read at McNally Robinson,” she said excitedly, stealing a copy of a magazine with a very provocative cover. “Nathan Englander?” I said. “I think I’m going to have to send a frothy e-mail to the Harvard english department from whence you came. Plus, he’s a lew like you. I’d really rather go see Junot Diaz at NYU.”

Being a well educated chick, Portman can summon forth a slew of shit tests wrapped in the guise of cultural references. And then she steals a magazine. How does the guy respond to this? Plays off the obvious illegal activity- alpha- by playing off her apparent cultural refence as unimportant to his own suggestion, which is a DHV.

“But Nathan Englander’s funny,” she said. “Wes and I used to read parts of For the Relief of Unbearable Urges aloud before bedtime.”

“Mention another one of your ex boyfriends and I swear I’ll give you a bloody eyeball, Queen Amidala.” 

This guy just doesn’t stop; she tries to fuck him up with openly discussing her old boyfriends, he demonstrates willingness to be violent with a crack at one of her old Star Wars characters. Violent? Alpha. Joking during a threat of violence? Alpha.

I will continue with the analysis in part 2. So far, so good- he really does a good job downplaying her repeated attempts to grab frame as female immaturity

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1 Response to Natalie Portman’s Boyfriend has Game Pt. 1

  1. Pingback: Natalie Portman’s Boyfriend has Game Pt. 2 « Grit Artisan

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